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I am the good shepherd: the good shepherd giveth his life for the sheep.
John 10,11

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I fell in love with the old atheist man

Viktorie Viktorie

When I was 18, I was dissatisfied with myself and with my life.I thought I was utterly useless,incapable and ugly.I thought nobody was interested in being my friend.I was also disillusioned that the most of my friends and classmates had boyfriends and I didn´t.Who would care about me? Who would care about such a plain girl that is no good laugh. I fell in love with the old atheist man

And then I went on holiday to my cousin´s place and met a man who was much older than me but I fell in love with him.He understood me in everything because he´s had experience with the youth ( he was a teacher ).He opened new horizons for me and I said to myself how beautiful it was to have someone who I loved.Deliberately I didn´t write to be loved by someone because I couldn´t say he loved me.

Like this it took two years and I didn´t realize or I didn´t want to realize that in essence he was taking advantage of me.He´s taking advantage of what I offered him of my own free will.But I was sorry only about one thing.I as a believer was trying to convert him but it didn´t work.Conversely, he started to dissuade me from believing.And in the course of time I started asking myself why I believed when it only restricted me and didn´t give me anything.I was already thinking of telling my parents that I´d stop going to church.

And then the New Year´s Eve 2000 arrived.I came to an agreement with friends from my village that we´d go to Rajnochovice and we´d spend the New Year´s Eve with other believing friends.I didn´t feel like going there at all and I might also have spoiled their stay because I´d behaved dismissively and contemptuously….It was only on the folowing day when I said to myself why I should mar their enjoyment when the fact that I didn´t like it there wasn´t their fault.And to my great surprise, suddenly I began to enjoy my stay there.It was especially thanks to the priest father Ivan.I said to myself that my life had had to change and I decided again to live my life with God.
 

But it wasn´t just as easy as I´d expected.I simply couldn´t renounce my love.I´ve made an appointment with him and as a matter of fact, I knew and ran the risk of sinning of my own free will….But on the day of our date I woke up and was unable to speak ( I caught a bad cold ) and so although I was worried I had to call off the appointment.And this saved me from committing the worst thing.

God´s rescued me.First I was angry because it hadn´t turn out all right again and the truth was that nothing had come off well but when I started thinking about it I realized that it was God himself who´d made these arrangements.Anyway, it wasn´t easy so I prayed:“God, when you´d saved me you know how much I long to be loved, make me meet the right boy who´d really love me.“And then I „happened“ to find a magazine at my cousin´s place where there was a prayer to some saint ( I can´t recall his name ) and I read it without believing it much.Perhaps my attitude was something like:“I´m anxious to see if it works:“

 
And you won´t believe it but it´s worked.Shortly after, I met a boy I´d been going out with for almost three years.I decided to change my life and to live really with God although it´s not easy because you can´t manage anything by yourself and you often make mistakes as well and you´re afraid of trusting God and His help without limits but I´ve decided not to give it up.
 
Don´t give it up either because although we aren´t aware of it God is close to us and He´ll never leave nor abandon us – including this text.
 
Victorie March, 2003
 
Borrowed with the kind permission of www.musculus.cz
 

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