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He that loveth not knoweth not God; for God is love. In this was manifested the love of God toward us, because that God sent his only begotten Son into the world, that we might live through him.
1 John 4,8-9

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I fell in love with the old atheist man

Viktorie Viktorie

When I was 18, I was dissatisfied with myself and with my life.I thought I was utterly useless,incapable and ugly.I thought nobody was interested in being my friend.I was also disillusioned that the most of my friends and classmates had boyfriends and I didn´t.Who would care about me? Who would care about such a plain girl that is no good laugh. I fell in love with the old atheist man

And then I went on holiday to my cousin´s place and met a man who was much older than me but I fell in love with him.He understood me in everything because he´s had experience with the youth ( he was a teacher ).He opened new horizons for me and I said to myself how beautiful it was to have someone who I loved.Deliberately I didn´t write to be loved by someone because I couldn´t say he loved me.

Like this it took two years and I didn´t realize or I didn´t want to realize that in essence he was taking advantage of me.He´s taking advantage of what I offered him of my own free will.But I was sorry only about one thing.I as a believer was trying to convert him but it didn´t work.Conversely, he started to dissuade me from believing.And in the course of time I started asking myself why I believed when it only restricted me and didn´t give me anything.I was already thinking of telling my parents that I´d stop going to church.

And then the New Year´s Eve 2000 arrived.I came to an agreement with friends from my village that we´d go to Rajnochovice and we´d spend the New Year´s Eve with other believing friends.I didn´t feel like going there at all and I might also have spoiled their stay because I´d behaved dismissively and contemptuously….It was only on the folowing day when I said to myself why I should mar their enjoyment when the fact that I didn´t like it there wasn´t their fault.And to my great surprise, suddenly I began to enjoy my stay there.It was especially thanks to the priest father Ivan.I said to myself that my life had had to change and I decided again to live my life with God.
 

But it wasn´t just as easy as I´d expected.I simply couldn´t renounce my love.I´ve made an appointment with him and as a matter of fact, I knew and ran the risk of sinning of my own free will….But on the day of our date I woke up and was unable to speak ( I caught a bad cold ) and so although I was worried I had to call off the appointment.And this saved me from committing the worst thing.

God´s rescued me.First I was angry because it hadn´t turn out all right again and the truth was that nothing had come off well but when I started thinking about it I realized that it was God himself who´d made these arrangements.Anyway, it wasn´t easy so I prayed:“God, when you´d saved me you know how much I long to be loved, make me meet the right boy who´d really love me.“And then I „happened“ to find a magazine at my cousin´s place where there was a prayer to some saint ( I can´t recall his name ) and I read it without believing it much.Perhaps my attitude was something like:“I´m anxious to see if it works:“

 
And you won´t believe it but it´s worked.Shortly after, I met a boy I´d been going out with for almost three years.I decided to change my life and to live really with God although it´s not easy because you can´t manage anything by yourself and you often make mistakes as well and you´re afraid of trusting God and His help without limits but I´ve decided not to give it up.
 
Don´t give it up either because although we aren´t aware of it God is close to us and He´ll never leave nor abandon us – including this text.
 
Victorie March, 2003
 
Borrowed with the kind permission of www.musculus.cz
 

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